


A Night to Remember

by primordialclamchowder



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Ficlet Collection, Fluff, Multi, Other, Vandalism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 05:39:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14826365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primordialclamchowder/pseuds/primordialclamchowder
Summary: A collection of various events, in which a new arrival to the valley, Lydia, forges friendships and bonds with various members of Pelican Town. Click in case of sadness.





	A Night to Remember

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This is just gonna be a collection of little rambling ficlets and shenanigans ft. The Cool Kids™️ and as of right now, there's no cohesive plot planned for this. It's just a bunch of ideas and shenanigans and such that I had in my head that I wanted to write and have fun with! Will I make it into a full fledged fic? Maybe someday. But in the meantime, enjoy the ride B)

“Ok ok ok ok but just watch this shot, ok? Today will be the day I finally beat Seb!” Sam gesticulated wildly on unsteady feet, beer in hand. The amber liquid threatened to slosh over the edge.

“Sam, you can’t even beat him sober. You’re so fucking drunk,” Lydia laughed from the table she perched upon, sipping her paloma.

Sebastian just smirked and took a swig of his beer. “Blow us away, Icarus.”

Sam raised his fists in the air. “WITNESS MEEEEEE!!!!” he bellowed. He dramatically grabbed the cue stick from where it was leaning against the wall, spun it with a flourish, and proceeded to crack himself in the ear with the butt.

Lydia fell off the table in a gale of laughter, while Sebastian slow clapped. “Smooth move, Ex-Lax,” he deadpanned. Lydia slapped her knee, tears streaming from her eyes.

“Sweet Yoba on a croissant, I’m gonna get a fucking aneurysm you guys,” she wheezed, her face flushed nearly as pink as her hair.

Sam pouted, rubbing where the cue stick hit him.

“Hey man, I’ll buy you a drink if you make this shot.” Sebastian looked at Sam over his beer.

“It’s gonna happen for _sure_!”

“You say that every time,” Seb leaned back, rolling his eyes. “Don’t poke your eye out.”

Sam leaned over the table, diligently concentrating on the balls. “Aha!” he exclaimed, spotting a straight shot. He readied the stick, steadily aimed, and with a solid _thwack,_ hit the cue ball. Hard. Too hard.  It bounced across the table, sailed over the solid he aimed at, and sunk into the pocket.

“Fuck!!!”

Lydia erupted into another fit of laughter. “Hey, you actually sunk a ball! Even though it doesn’t count!”

“Guess the next round of shots are on you, Sam,” Sebastian said, smirk widening into a grin. “You have no idea how much you’re saving me on my bar tab.”

“ _Millions,”_ Lydia piped up.

“You two burn me up,” Sam grumbled, as he headed to the bar to order another round of shots.

 

Two hours and several rounds of drinks later, the trio left the Stardrop, and staggered up the mountain towards Sebastian’s house. Or more accurately, were ushered out by Gus 45 minutes after last call, after failing several times to interrupt Sam and Lydia’s raucous game of Truth or Dare.

“I dare you to go skinny dipping in the river!”

“ _Pfffft_ weak, I dare you to grab what little of Seb’s ass there is,” Lydia countered, impishly looking over her shoulder at Sebastian.

He just rolled his eyes. “You might want to rethink following through with that.”

“Pfft, not fair, can’t do physically impossible dares, remember? Seb’s ass is so small, it’s nonexistent. Like a black hole,” Sam shot back.

“That doesn't even make any sense. So massive it collapsed upon itself? It has infinite mass?” Lydia laughed. “Infinite _ass._ ”

“It's _ass_ tronomical.” Sam waggled his eyebrows.

“You mean. _Ass_ tronomically small.” Sam and Lydia burst into a fresh fit of laughter.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and sighed with exasperation.

“Awww why the long face, Sebby?” Sam teased.

“Mmmm, c’mon baby, shake dat thang, show us what u got.” Lydia growled, shoving Sebastian with her hip.

“No.”

“Paaaaarrrrty pooooooper.”

 

The trio approached Pierre's, when Sam stopped abruptly. “Yo. Yo. _Yo._ Yo! Hey hey hey _Lydiaaaaa_!!!!”

“Yeeeessss?”

The anemic fluorescent glow of Joja glared harshly in the distance.

“Lyds. Seboober. I just had a stroke of genius!”

“You say that at least twice a day, but okay,” Sebastian snarked, fishing a cigarette out of his pocket.

“Nonono hear me out, this is great! Lydia, I dare you to steal the JojaMart sign!”

“ _D u d e.”_

“Great, right!?”

“Fucking _brilliant,_ you mad lad, you absolute ledge. I’m sold. But!” Lydia paused. “If I steal the sign, you have to take a shit in front of the main doors. Sebby can drive the getaway car!”

“My motorcycle is still up at the house, dingus.”

“Well, you’re not getting out of this! I need a crowbar anyway, let’s get one from your house and you can work your magic with some of your infamous street art!” Lydia exclaimed, clapping her hands.

“Why are you two still on this conspiracy theory that I am Bansky reincarnated,” Sebastian groaned.

“Because you’re an emo edgelord and it’s fitting.”

“Whatever, fine, I’ll do it. Just to see Sam take a shit on JojaMart’s front doorstep.”

“YESSSSSS.” Lydia punched him in the arm. “Alright buddy, let’s do a most righteous bong rip and do this shit!”

“Deal.”

 

Half an hour later, Sebastian procured a crowbar, a wrench, and a couple cans of spray paint from the garage.

“Cool, put this shit in my backpack. You guys want some skullcaps? Pantyhose? I got some,” Lydia spoke in low tones.

“Dude, what all do you have in that thing?” Sam glanced over Lydia’s shoulder into her bulging backpack.

“Hey, gotta be prepared! Never know when you’re gonna engage in petty crime!” Lydia shrugged. “I have a sick cthulhu ski mask in here too somewhere. _And_ a cape! Got a joint, Seb?”

“You speak from experience, don’t you?” Seb shook out a joint from his pack of cigarettes, and lit up, taking a couple drags, before passing it to Lydia. She took a couple hits, and handed the joint to Sam.

“Dude, what can I say, I got a past,” Lydia shrugged. “Y’all ready to head out?”

“Let’s go,” Sam said, a gleeful grin plastered on his face.

 

The trio hid in the copse of trees in front of Joja, plotting their next move. The store appeared deserted, but they watched for signs of life. “All clear?” Lydia murmured.

“Morris is a fucking vampire. If he does sleep, I’m pretty sure it’s in a coffin.” Sam muttered. Sebastian elbowed Lydia to suppress her giggles. Sam looked appraisingly at the store, face awash in a sickly blue glow.

“Okay guys, serious question. How the hell are we gonna get up there,” Sam gestured to the roof, “to get the sign?”

“Binch, I _gotchu_. Seb, come with me and watch my back.” Lydia dug the crowbar and wrench out of her backpack, as well as a length of rope, and tossed the spray paint to Sebastian. “Let’s rumble. Saint Samuel, full of grace, prepareth thine bowels for imminent and divine evacuation.” Lydia saluted Sam, and crept to the mart, hiding in the shadows. She jumped the low fence, and slid behind the delivery truck, Sebastian close behind. Lydia tied the rope into a circle, and walked to the pillar support that held up the overhang of the roof. Tucking the crowbar into her belt, and sliding the wrench into her waistband, she twisted the rope into a figure-eight, securing her feet into the loops. She jumped, hugging the rough cement with her arms, gripping with her feet on either side. She quickly shimmied up the pole, and hauled herself up over the edge and onto the roof, panting.

“Holy shit, where did you learn to do that?” Sebastian whistled low under his breath.  

“You forget I grew up with six siblings,” Lydia shot back. “Go work your artistic magic, my dude.”

She crawled to the sign, and began loosening the bolts that attached it to the building. Beneath her, she heard the sounds of shaking paint cans, and the hiss of the spray paint. “I hope you’re making something truly legendary,” she called down.

“You’re gonna love it.” Lydia could hear the smirk in his voice.

After the bolts were loosened, Lydia grabbed the crowbar and wedged it between the sign and the building. Leaning her weight into the crowbar, she strained as she worked the sign free from the building. After a couple minutes of effort, the sign groaned as it slid free of the housing that bolted it to the wall. “Fire in the hole!” Lydia cackled as the sign plummeted to the ground. She paused for a moment. “What, it didn’t fucking crash?” She peered over the edge, and saw the sign dangling by the wires that powered it. “Fuck!”

“Shhh, keep it down. Let’s just cut the wires,” Sebastian hissed.

“That’s all you, buddy, I’m not about to get electrocuted. I was just gonna rip it off.”

“Whatever you wanna do, Wonder Woman.” Sebastian shook his head.

“You’re damn right I’m an Amazon warrior,” Lydia flexed her arms and kissed her biceps. Pocketing the bolts and gathering her tools, Lydia carefully shimmied down the pillar. “Dude. _Duuude._ ” Lydia covered her mouth, admiring Sebastian’s handiwork. “It’s _beautiful.”_

 

Sebastian painted a caricature of Morris that spanned the entire storefront that depicted him as some kind of demon goblin… thing. “Yoba, he looks like fucking Smeagol.” On the smaller sign that said ‘Join us. Thrive.’, Sebastian painted over ‘Thrive’ with ‘Eat shit and Die’. He pointed to the ground, where he drew a pentagram. “Made a target for Sam,” he smirked.

“I didn’t know you had it in ya,” Lydia winked at him. “C’mere and help me rip this sign down.”

The two grabbed ahold of the sign that was now dangling a few feet above the ground, and yanked hard. Nothing.

“Damn, this thing doesn’t wanna go easy, huh?” Lydia strained again. She grunted in frustration. “Fuck this, man.”

Sebastian looked at her quizzically. She flashed him a devilish grin, leapt up, and dangled from the sign. “Lydia, _no_ ,” Sebastian threw his head back, slapping his forehead.

“LYDIA YES.” She hung from the sign with her entire body weight, the neon flickering spasmodically. Lydia swung back and forth, jostling the sign until, with a crackle, the wires snapped under her weight and she landed hard on the ground. Standing up, she brushed the dirt off her ass and victoriously held up the sign over her head, now dead. Sam punched the air gleefully, as Lydia and Sebastian trotted back to the cluster of trees, prize in hand. Packing the tools back into the backpack, Lydia and Sebastian high-fived at their success, Sebastian unable to completely suppress his chuckles.

“Alright wonderchild, work your magic!” Lydia and Sebastian shoved Sam out of the trees. He stumbled for a moment, before straightening up and brushing the seat of his jeans. He trotted over to the front door, turned around, flashed his signature grin, beat his closed fist against his chest twice, flashed the peace sign, and dropped his pants.

“Yoba, I can’t believe he’s literally taking a shit just because you told him to,” Sebastian said with a small amount of wonder. “Actually, on second thought... I redact that.”

“I can’t believe he’s doing this without wiping his ass afterwards. Like um, gross?” Lydia made a face, punctuated with a dry-heave.

“Guys are disgusting. I can’t tell you the number of guys I went to school with who wouldn’t wash their ass because they thought it made them gay,” Sebastian added.

“Oh my _Yoba_ that is _obscene,_ why?”

“Dunno,” Sebastian shrugged.

“I’m glad you wash your ass Seb, because I couldn’t ever consider dating you if you didn’t.” Lydia stuck her tongue out at him.

A faint blush tinged his pale cheeks. “Glad to know where your priorities lie.” A small smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. Lydia shoved him with her shoulder.

 

Sam stood up, a fresh steamer lovingly delivered to the front door of Joja, looking extremely pleased with himself.

“Sheesh, at least use a leaf!” Lydia yelled.

Sam held his hands up in the air and shrugged, before sticking his tongue out at Lydia. He pulled his boxers up, and bent over to pull up his skinny jeans, when suddenly, the door behind him burst open, and a livid Morris came barreling out.

“SAM!!!!!! I’LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS!”

Sam, panicking, struggled to pull up his jeans and run, but stumbled, pants around his ankles. Morris grabbed him by the arms.

“You’re not going anywhere! I’ll have you arrested for this!!”

“Oh _shit,_ ” Lydia and Sebastian swore in unison. Lydia turned to Sebastian. “Dude, what do we _do?_ Sam can’t get _arrested!!”_

“Uhhh.. You could streak and distract Morris? I don’t know!” Sebastian hissed with exasperation.

“ _Yo.”_

“You’re actually not gonna…” Sebastian trailed off.

“Ya have any other brilliant ideas? Dazzle him with my. . . _wits?_ ” Lydia started peeling her clothes off, causing Sebastian to turn crimson. “Hey, don’t pop a boner over there.” Sebastian sputtered. “Just kidding! Can’t help you out now though,” Lydia winked. “Be a bro and take care of the shit here? Make a run for it while I distract him, and _please_ don’t conveniently forget my clothes here, hmm?” Sebastian turned an ever deeper shade of red, covering his eyes as Lydia plucked off her bra.

“Erm, yeah, got it,” he coughed.

Lydia chuckled. “Dude, either you’re not drunk or high enough to appreciate this experience to the fullest, or you’re the biggest gentleman I’ve ever met. Alright, wish me luck! No flash photography!” She pulled on her Cthulhu ski mask, secured her cape around her shoulders, flashed him the shaka sign, and bolted out of the trees. Sebastian hurriedly stuffed her clothes into her pack, strapped it on, hefted up the sign, staggered briefly under its weight, and sprinted past the blacksmith shop and the library towards the lower bridge. He glanced over his shoulder to see Lydia loping towards Morris, cthulhu tentacles flying, psychedelic rainbow cape billowing behind her, Sam’s petrified face turning to an expression of pure glee as he doubled over laughing in the midst of Morris’s tirade.

 

“ _WHITE LIGHTNING STRIKES AGAIN!!!!”_ Lydia hollered, charging between Morris and Sam, breaking Morris’s viselike grip on his arm. “Run, you idiot!! My place!” she hissed at Sam, as Morris stumbled backwards. He fled towards Pierre’s, hiking up his pants as he did so. She paused in front of the main doors, glancing down at Sam’s fresh gift from the void, and noticed a footprint squashed in the middle of it. “Looks like you stepped in something, Morris!” she cackled, voice bubbling with mirth. He looked down in horror at the affected foot, and curses streamed from his mouth, as he dragged his foot over the grass to little affect. He paused in his tantrum, looking up again, face purple from rage, hair askew. Lydia made eye contact, spread her legs wide, and squatted.

“ _No,”_ Morris croaked. “Don’t you _dare.”_

A wide grin spread across Lydia’s face. “Hail Satan.” She urinated on the front landing. Howling, Morris charged towards her. “You will pay for this, whoever you are!”

“Good luck finding out!” Lydia laughed and dodged him easily, sauntering off towards the blacksmith’s shop. Glancing behind her, she swore. Morris was running full tilt after her, fueled by rage and adrenaline.

“Shit shit shit fuck _shit_ .” Lydia picked up her pace, using one arm to hold her breasts to her body. She rounded the corner to the lower bridge, only to see Sebastian crouching in the Mayor’s yard ahead. _Oh you dumbass, why did you wait for me?_ she thought in despair. She bore down, surging forward in a fresh burst of speed. Taking a flying leap, she cleared the fence in front of Lewis’ house. Sebastian was frozen in shock, mouth agape at a stark naked Lydia tearing towards him, Morris in hot pursuit. _Yoba, how the hell does the man run so fast???_

 

Lydia dipped down and grabbed the sign with one hand in one fluid motion, shoved Sebastian into a run, roaring “GO, fucking GO!!!”, Morris hot on her heels. Lydia slung the sign over her shoulder, grabbed Sebastian’s hand, and dragged him along, making a beeline for Cindersap. They bolted past the cemetery, Abigail doing a double-take at Lydia streaking by, psychedelic cape streaming, practically flinging Sebastian along, Morris charging close behind. Sebastian panted, willing his legs to move faster, Morris’ bull-like breaths hot on his neck, praying he didn’t stumble in his attempts to keep pace with Lydia. Soon, the path transitioned from cobblestone to dirt, Morris slowly falling behind. The duo raced past Marnie’s ranch, through the clearing, plunging into the dark forest. Lydia suddenly veered right, jerking Sebastian, and squeezed through a dilapidated fence. She dragged him into a cluster of thick bushes, throwing the sign down and flopping to the ground. Sebastian collapsed onto his back, wheezing, barely able to control his breath.

“Shhh, breathe with me. In through your nose, out through your mouth, slowly,” Lydia hushed him, crouching over him, cape draping over them both, chest heaving with her deep, controlled breaths. Sebastian matched her breaths, despite the burning in his chest, his body screaming for more oxygen. They could hear Morris crashing through the undergrowth in the distance, curses echoing through the quiet forest. A light flicked on at Marnie’s, and Shane’s form was illuminated in the doorway of the ranch.

“Morris, what the hell is your problem? Don’t you torment me enough at work without coming to my property at _three in the goddamn morning_ and raising hell when I’m trying to sleep?”

“But… but.. Sam and some other kids vandalized my store!! I almost had them!” He rounded on Shane. “You’re hiding them, aren’t you!!!” he accused, pointing a shaking finger, pushing up his glasses with his other hand.

Shane rolled his eyes. “Had it coming,” he muttered under his breath. Shane sniffed, and stifled a gag. “Yeesh, you reek of shit! The fuck, man, you got a scat fetish now?!”

Morris sputtered. “I could have you fired for this!”

“I’m off the clock. Bite me. I’m sure it’ll look real good for you when I tell the district manager that you came here in the middle of the night, disrupting the peace, babbling some nonsense accusation about me hiding fugitives or whatever, and stinking of shit. Get the fuck outta here!” Shane slammed the door, Morris huffing with anger.

Lydia covered her mouth, convulsing with suppressed laughter, tears streaming from her eyes. Sebastian snorted, and she elbowed him in the ribs. “ _Quiet!_ ” she whispered tersely. Several long minutes passed, as Morris poked around in Leah’s back garden. Their breathing slowly returned to normal. Morris’ footsteps began to recede, growing fainter in the night. Sebastian started to get up, but Lydia shoved him back down again. “Wait, we need to make sure he’s gone for good.”

Sebastian started to shake underneath her with pent up laughter.

“Dude, get it together!” Lydia hissed.

Strange, quailing noises escaped from Sebastian as he unsuccessfully held back his mirth. Giggling, he reached up to Lydia’s face. “You still have that damn ski mask on,” he chuckled, and pulled it off her head. “I think I officially love you now. I can’t believe you took a piss on Joja in front of Morris.”

“Huh, you stuck around and watched? Perv,” Lydia couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“You’re the one without any clothes on!”

Lydia glanced down. “Well, shit. Guess that ruined the allure of dating me now,” she waggled her eyebrows at him. “Nothing I can surprise you with now, eh?”

“On the contrary…” Sebastian’s eyes flicked down briefly to her lips, and back to her eyes. Lydia cocked an eyebrow.

“Hmmm?”

A flush of color rose to Sebastian’s cheeks. “That didn’t ruin the allure,” he squirmed.

“Oh?” a corner of Lydia’s mouth quirked up.

“I mean… well… oh, fuck it,” he muttered. He slid a hand around the base of her neck, toying with her hair, and pulled her face down to his. Their breaths mingled, noses touching, Lydia biting her lip in anticipation, and then she leaned down and brought her lips to his. She kissed him, softly, gently at first. Sebastian parted her mouth with his tongue, taking her lower lip in between his teeth, sucking gently, before kissing her again, heartbeat exploding like fireworks, butterflies fluttering in his stomach. His tongue slid against hers, one hand resting in the small of her back, the other fisted in her hair. Lydia moaned softly into his mouth, and he felt himself stiffening, straining against his tight pants. He kissed her more fervently, growling as he moved to her neck. Lydia chuckled, and he paused.

“I think we should probably stop, hmm? Sam’s probably worried sick about us,” Lydia murmured, a touch of amusement in her voice.

 

 _Shit, he went too far._ “Right, of course.” Sebastian moved away, averting his gaze, looking anywhere but at Lydia’s nude form right in front of him.

“Hey, look at me.” Swallowing hard, Sebastian dragged his eyes to hers, blushing furiously. Lydia laughed softly, ducking her head. “Look, I... I like you, Seb. I don’t wanna just fuck you and it doesn’t mean something, and then it gets awkward, you feel?” Sebastian nodded jerkily, face still burning crimson, and cleared his throat.

“It would mean something to me.”

Lydia looked down and blushed. “I’m glad I got to know you. I don’t wanna just throw it all away because I’m drunk and horny.”

Sebastian swallowed. “Hey, you know I’m not gonna think of you any differently even if we did fool around? I wouldn’t sacrifice my friendship with you for anything.”

“I… I really appreciate that.” Lydia looked down, ripping out tufts of grass. “Did you mean what you said earlier?”

“You’re gonna have to be a little more specific.”

“Um... When you said about the allure of dating me not being ruined.” Lydia ripped more grass, staring intently at the ground.

“Yeah of course! I mean,” Sebastian stammered. “You’re great to be around, I don’t think I’ve ever had this much fun with anybody else, ever.” _You’re a hurricane of a woman with brass balls, you know that?_

Lydia cracked a small smile. “Ready to go back?”

_No…_

“Yeah.”

“I hope you didn’t forget my clothes, dipwad.”


End file.
